Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Dear god my vagina.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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