Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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