You just made me feel so damn special
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
