I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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