He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize