Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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