I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
