You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
