They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
