So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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