What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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