Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
