one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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