I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
