I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
