The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
