If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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