Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
