i wish my penis had a tongue
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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