So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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