someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
