Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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