I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
