Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
