It's just like the Real World with babies
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
