Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
