I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
