So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
