i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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