I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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