apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
