Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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