I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
