Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
