My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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