At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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