There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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