and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
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I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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