i think my tv is drunk
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
