i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
