Got a toothbrush?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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