I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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