He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
