My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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