If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
