I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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