so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
