you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
