All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
