I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
