I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
