The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
