AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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