I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize