the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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