I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
